Online Dating – How to find Mr or Ms Right

Online Dating – How to find Mr. Right.

Last night was my occasional attempt at a trivia night with work colleagues and friends. We all admit we only go to trivia to catch up with each other and have lots of laughs – for a bunch of academics we are terrible at trivia. Without fail our conversation ends up on the topic of sex, online dating and a bit of vulgar banter. Often this conversation focuses on me and a male colleague as we are having such difficulty finding someone. Our gender makes our experiences quite different to the other, and we know that if he was gay he would have much better luck. Anyone who has been dating online for a while knows this but for him it is new territory. He seems so nervous and doesn’t know what to say to a girl online…because of course there must be some magical thing to say that ‘works’. He is also so lovely and I am amazed he has any difficulty. His biggest issue is which site to go on. Having used most of them I have an idea of the general type of person or purpose for each site and now adjust accordingly. So it was good to come across this article today ‘How to find Mr Right’. The post gives such easy pointers about where to start with online dating. Although it refers to “Mr” I feel the ideas apply to anyone so will pass it along to him.

My break-down of sites often used in Australia:

RSVP – good general site for anyone, there are enough questions that have to be answered to at least do some of the weeding out of the really gross people for you. The small fee for tokens to be able to email someone can also act to indicate genuineness and interest. There does seem to be a bit of debate about who actually does the token buying – mostly men are expected to do this it seems.

Blendr – can be confusing as many believe the site/app is about hooking up (aka the gay equivalent of Grindr), so be up front and get to the point about what you want. Attracts ANYONE. Beware of scammers.

POF (Plenty of Fish) – it’s free, it has an option to say upfront what you are looking for although it isn’t necessarily clear enough sometimes…as people have a variety of wants and needs. If someone has actually completed their profile it gives a reasonably good indication of who they are.

Oasis – completely about hooking up, one night stands, a bit of home video action, and exchanging dirty talk.

Craigslist – if you have a specific request (ie. for the weird, dirty, fetish, kink etc), or even just to advertise yourself and what you want, and want to remain totally anonymous until a point where you are comfortable this is the one for you. This site is used very differently in Aus than it is often is in the US etc. Beware the scammers and trols.

OkCupid – not bad, but I didn’t find there were enough people on this to provide ongoing use…especially outside of metropolitan areas (eg. Melbourne,Sydney).

eHarmony – I think this is the best with regards to the quality of people, although it is expensive. Once you are signed up though it is all included – no buying tokens. There are A LOT of sign-up questions but they are worth answering. The process is also good as you don’t have to communicate directly with the person first, instead requesting to see some of their core values etc.

 

 

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What will 60 look like?

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Such a cute and sad pic – Titled: All Alone 

Procrastinating by hanging out with my mum in her kitchen the other day raised something I have not really given much thought to. Who would come to my 60th birthday if I don’t have children?

Like so many of our conversations I am not sure how we got to the topic. Perhaps we had commented on it being nearly a year since her 60th celebration, that it will most likely be her last big birthday celebration (by choice, not death), that as she gets older she doesn’t have as many people in her life but is happy with just a few important family members and a friend or two to talk with. Primarily she has me and my sister, her sister and her children, her ex husband (my dad), and one or two close friends she confides in regularly. I’m not sure if it was her or me that first stopped and realised that I am likely to not have the same network/family at her age.

There was an awkward pause, where each of us sort of ‘umm-ed’ and ‘ahh-ed’ for a moment. With a considered choice of words mum said “I suppose…despite our situation [being divorced]…well, I guess I’m lucky to have that”. We both knew what she meant – that it is quite likely that I won’t have a husband and children, or even children without the man, or maybe not even a long-term companion; my experience of turning 60 will be quite different to hers. For the first time I could see she realised the grief I could experience…have experienced…do experience when faced with the potential of not fulfilling my need for a partner and children. 

Of course my response was to deflect and use humour, “I like to remind myself while others’ seem so happy now their relationships wont be as glorious as it seems and they are 50% likely to be divorced and bitterly unhappy within five years”. It only helps a little.

Who will come to my birthday?? C’est la vie!