When is hope not enough?


Today I am consumed with thoughts of the future family I am not likely to have. I am reminded constantly that I do not have what absolutely feels a part of my identity even though it isn’t real. There are beautiful pregnant tummies everywhere, gorgeous newborns, prams, families, sweet little clothes, events for families, family gatherings, oo’ing and ahh’ing over friends and family’s children, … you get the picture. I feel as though I have lost this, possibly even lost a child. If it wasn’t enough my sister is pregnant again.

Yesterday my sister said “when I finish having children I’m going to have a breast reduction”. I had to wonder what she meant by when she finishes – “hasn’t she already finished?” Hang on…

In that moment I looked at her and asked what do you mean “when”? She just looked at me while I looked at her and realised she is pregnant!! We both had to laugh at the ridiculousness of this in the unhappy circumstance she is in.** I couldn’t have thought of a better way to make the situation worse for her if I tried!

I just cant help but be envious. I try so hard to be supportive but simply can not stop thinking and wishing it was me, surely it is my turn?! Why is it that she can get pregnant so easily and I can not? Why is she pregnant and in crappy circumstances when I could be pregnant and in less crappy circumstances? I want the oo’ing and ah’ing over my children. I want to buy clothes for my children. I want to watch my children learn to draw, dance, talk, walk, kiss, hug, pull funny faces, fall off beds, have conversations with cats, … you get the picture.

It’s so hard to be happy for her or to be supportive of whatever she will decide to do when I want that for myself sooo badly. I did suggest we could go away for a year and create a story about me being pregnant and returning with a child, i.e.. that I could have this child. Clearly this isn’t actually going to happen though. She will work it out.

Then tonight I was watching a sad tale of a couple who have been trying for ten years to have children. Mary is an Australian actress, being famous for her hilarious role in an 80s satire ‘Acropolis Now’. She and her husband were interviewed on 60 Minutes about their heartache and experience of multiple failed IVF rounds, but particularly about the still birth of their daughter. I cried with them and for them. In a strange way their experience emanated my own sense of grief. I’ve never lost a child but I do experience the same grief of not having a child I have been in love with for a lifetime.

Towards the end of the interview Mary talks about hope. In their hope they did more IVF and are pregnant again and this time it seems more positive. But she is sad, I can see that in her eyes and body despite her presenting as confident and happy. Her eyes say that she is already grieving for what may be another lost child. Perhaps I am projecting my own sense of lost hope? Perhaps I am projecting a need to know whether it is over yet, a need to know for sure when enough is enough. When do I give up? Will I ever give up?

**For many this would be a happy occasion but for my sister this is an unknown, potentially fraught with angst. Almost exactly two years ago she was announcing the same news. It was slightly happier but still fraught with angst. Like many relationships hers has come to an end…it hasn’t and continues to not be a clean break up. He cheated (not just once, but long term, after she knew and then discovered she was pregnant), addicted to dope, drinks heavily, is addicted to porn, is manipulative of others emotions… he is basically extremely immature and selfish in that same way. He now plays on my sisters guilt of wanting her daughter to have a loving and involved father but not being able to provide that. He also has started putting his own insecurities and guilt on to their little girl… I want to smack him sometimes!


Young, dumb and full of cum

So my post today is both one of happiness and… Actually, scrap that. I’m not sure there is a lot of happiness at all.

New life should be a time of happiness and joy.

Well … In this case it is fraught with confusion, anger, unknowing, and insecurity.

I have a great friend who was/is a grandma at a young age. She called me last night to tell me she was going to be a grandma again…not because the same child is having a second baby but because her youngest is going to be a dad. He is 20 years old and has his first girlfriend. They’ve only being seeing each other for 6-8 weeks. The girlfriend is pregnant.

Besides the obvious speed of this, there are many mmmm let’s say they are ‘issues’. Firstly, she’s nuts…I normally can and do get along with anyone but she gives me the creeps. I don’t know why but as soon as I met her I couldn’t look at her like I would anyone else. It seems ridiculous especially as I’m old enough to get past these sorts of things…but I just sensed badness! Secondly, she is now emotionally manipulating this young guy into feeling guilty about not being able to provide financially. He has been presented with lists …a pile of lists…of baby stuff and medical appointments that she says he needs to pay for. He is an apprentice and has no money. What ever happened to sharing costs or working together? Finally, he wants to spend some time talking with her about all of this but she has been so nuts he can’t get in a clear conversation. She wanted him to go to a party but he suggested that before they go out and pretend to be ok that they talk before then. that didn’t happen, so he didn’t go. She proceeded to show up at my friends place (he lives with his mum…as you do at 20) and storm through the house and yell at him for not going to the party. Oh, and he was asleep as he gets up for work at 3-4am. Their relationship is not going to last and she will make this much more difficult than it needs to be. He is trying to hold it together and wants to be involved fully because he knows so well what an absent father feels like. There is something about all of this that just doesn’t seem to add up, that is too convenient within a range of circumstances that are beyond this post to explain.

Why is it that those who are not in a position to have children are super fertile and those who desperately want children are not? How do two young people who haven’t had sex before get pregnant (even with condom use) and I can have sex for years, even unprotected sex, and not once have I ever thought I could be pregnant?

I know it’s horrible to be judging the situation and to be taking some of it personally but I can’t help but wonder what the hell do the higher powers think they’re doing!?

Statistics and baby making after 30

This was forwarded to me recently by a friend and colleague after a discussion about young women, older women, choosing parenthood and not.

I would choose to ignore the ranting discussion at the end of the article if i was you. It goes a bit off topic about what the topic actually is. BUT the point of the article is that statistics on age and conception that have lead to fear and anxiety for many women in their 30’s and above desperately need an analytical eye and updating. This is an informative article and provides a refreshingly positive perspective on ability to conceive beyond 30.

I am also particularly interested in the authors point about the likelihood of women conceiving after 30/35 has more to do with their fertility overall rather than their age. It certainly may take the anxiety of getting older out of the equation. Enjoy!