I want you

The image of you as you left this morning is one I won’t forget.

As I lay sleepily under the warm doona you leant over me, gave me your beautiful smile and kissed me goodbye. After not kissing me one morning you now know I will always prefer to be woken and kissed by you than not at all. You kissed me with contentment.

You gathered your bags then stood in the doorway to the bedroom, leaning with your head and shoulder against one side. The morning sun was behind you. Your smile was beaming and warmer than that sun. I can’t describe the way you looked at me but it felt peaceful, happy and content.

It was that moment I wanted you more.

I wanted that moment and that feeling to last a lifetime.

I never expected this, you. I am losing myself in you. I am dizzy and floating around you like the fluffy fairy floss that caresses the stick as it winds around and around. I melt in your mouth.

I want you.

 

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Online Dating – How to find Mr or Ms Right

Online Dating – How to find Mr. Right.

Last night was my occasional attempt at a trivia night with work colleagues and friends. We all admit we only go to trivia to catch up with each other and have lots of laughs – for a bunch of academics we are terrible at trivia. Without fail our conversation ends up on the topic of sex, online dating and a bit of vulgar banter. Often this conversation focuses on me and a male colleague as we are having such difficulty finding someone. Our gender makes our experiences quite different to the other, and we know that if he was gay he would have much better luck. Anyone who has been dating online for a while knows this but for him it is new territory. He seems so nervous and doesn’t know what to say to a girl online…because of course there must be some magical thing to say that ‘works’. He is also so lovely and I am amazed he has any difficulty. His biggest issue is which site to go on. Having used most of them I have an idea of the general type of person or purpose for each site and now adjust accordingly. So it was good to come across this article today ‘How to find Mr Right’. The post gives such easy pointers about where to start with online dating. Although it refers to “Mr” I feel the ideas apply to anyone so will pass it along to him.

My break-down of sites often used in Australia:

RSVP – good general site for anyone, there are enough questions that have to be answered to at least do some of the weeding out of the really gross people for you. The small fee for tokens to be able to email someone can also act to indicate genuineness and interest. There does seem to be a bit of debate about who actually does the token buying – mostly men are expected to do this it seems.

Blendr – can be confusing as many believe the site/app is about hooking up (aka the gay equivalent of Grindr), so be up front and get to the point about what you want. Attracts ANYONE. Beware of scammers.

POF (Plenty of Fish) – it’s free, it has an option to say upfront what you are looking for although it isn’t necessarily clear enough sometimes…as people have a variety of wants and needs. If someone has actually completed their profile it gives a reasonably good indication of who they are.

Oasis – completely about hooking up, one night stands, a bit of home video action, and exchanging dirty talk.

Craigslist – if you have a specific request (ie. for the weird, dirty, fetish, kink etc), or even just to advertise yourself and what you want, and want to remain totally anonymous until a point where you are comfortable this is the one for you. This site is used very differently in Aus than it is often is in the US etc. Beware the scammers and trols.

OkCupid – not bad, but I didn’t find there were enough people on this to provide ongoing use…especially outside of metropolitan areas (eg. Melbourne,Sydney).

eHarmony – I think this is the best with regards to the quality of people, although it is expensive. Once you are signed up though it is all included – no buying tokens. There are A LOT of sign-up questions but they are worth answering. The process is also good as you don’t have to communicate directly with the person first, instead requesting to see some of their core values etc.

 

 

Dual dating in friends with benefits

My most recent dilemma has come in the form of my date dating another. While normally I have no issue with this, in this circumstance I am quite confused. I just found this article Uncommitted guy dating different women: Is it wrong? (yes it is from a Christian perspective but has the necessary points that apply to this discussion broadly).

This circumstance started with him telling me he had a date. There are two things that concerned me most about this:

1) I had believed he was after a relationship with me (a number of interactions and discussions lead me to this)

AND

2) We had sex.

As well as telling me about the date and wanting to be honest with me out of respect for me he also told me he didn’t want a relationship [with anyone] but hoped what we had would be more like a friends with benefits situation. This is because he has a very busy work life and is likely to be moving back overseas within the year but still wants the companionship. This is fine by me [I would have appreciated knowing earlier] as I too appreciate the friendship and intimacy. BUT if this is the case and we have the friends with benefits situation he is after then why is he still seeking dates? Why, when he said he has no intention of sleeping with her, has no intention of forming a relationship with her, does he continue with the date?

Obviously I have stopped communicating with him as this isn’t ok with me. I have had a friends with benefits situation where we had an agreement that as I was seeking a more serious relationship that still seeking such dates was ok and that when I did date that we would stop the ‘benefits’. Simple. But this man I was dating isn’t seeking a relationship.

Is it ok to have multiple friends with benefits?

Is it ok to go on dates even if you have no intention of forming a relationship?

Is it ok to not tell people up front about your intentions of dating?

Anomie

by Richard Cronborg

State of the Soul by Richard Cronborg

Anomie is a term from French Sociologist Emile Durkheim to describe the loss of personal meaning and values that arise with deep tears in the social fabric that binds people together. Today this has resonated with me and has perhaps given me a context from which to think about my experience of grappling with my own personal meaning and values.

For as long as I remember my need has been to be a mother. I say need rather than goal as this is a feeling that is deep within me rather than external to me. This need has not happened for me and with each bad date or loss of relationship I am again reminded that my ability to realise this part of my life is slipping further away – hence the title of wrong side of 30.

How does this relate to the tears in the social fabric? I am sure many of you know this and if not you have enough knowledge to work it out.

I am what can be referred to as socially infertile – unable to conceive (at least via penis/vagina contact) as a result of a modern epidemic of complex social structures that mitigate against forming relationships.

It seems that as women have gained greater social and financial independence, directly related to employment success, there is less pressure to partner. Likewise, there is less pressure for men to partner due to the sexual freedom we now experience.  For many women it appears to be more difficult to find ‘the one’ thus the father of any future children. Some say that this is also about women not wanting children until later in life which is true for some but not for me.

I have experienced a lot of grief in relation to what feels like a loss. I AM experiencing grief of what I will not have… a sustained and constant partnership from which children evolve.

This grief surfaces each time I read the online dating profile of a man who contacts me and likes to drink with his mates, watch football, and travel (this concept I will leave for another post). The grief surfaces when I have a date that stares at my chest and is unable to hold a conversation on anything else but themselves. The grief consumes me when someone I am dating and have invested myself in … well, you get the point… My time is precious and is wasted.

So here I am. I am a very well educated and successful 30-something woman who meets the surface requirements of the ideal of a partner for many men – I can fill both the Mary and Whore components of social womanhood – yet am unable to find an equal with whom to move through life.

Has the social fabric torn so much that without technology intelligent, independent, strong women will not breed?

Constant sequel

A sequel continues elements of the original story, often with the same characters and settings. A sequel can lead to a series, in which key elements appear in a number of stories.

…Yes that is me, forever stuck in a sequel. Same elements of the storyline with much the same characters and settings. I, obviously, am the central character. After-all if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have a reason to write a blog.

What will follow is a series of entries outlining the mystical world that is dating from the perspective of a 30-something year old woman. In dating I am not just defined by my age but also by my career success, ability to live independently, and to have not magically ‘fallen pregnant’. All of which seem to surprise men I have dated, all of which seem to become an issue in some way.