Men – how to stop your online profile being over before it begins

This advice is only for those who are genuinely seeking assistance with developing winning online dating profiles.

I consider myself a bit of an expert in the area of creating online dating profiles. I’ve created many for myself, each with a different purpose and on various types of online dating sites. I have even created some for friends and provided advice for other women who are not as experienced in this (I have probably mentioned this previously). Currently I am deeply involved in email-chat with a man who wants feedback on his approach to women so that he can get more sex (I may be paraphrasing a lot but you get the idea).

For women a profile seems much easier to create. We are naturally more adept at communication in any form. And lets face it – men are an easy catch (that doesn’t mean we’re not going to throw them back). However, men need help. For me many mens profiles create a sense of ‘fumbling in the dark to get my bra off while putting on a condom’. It’s over before it begins.

The overarching tip is – create a profile like a woman would. What do women have in their profiles? Re-create yours based on general characteristics that women use to attract the specific type of relationship you are looking for. For example, if you want a long-term committed relationship look at the characteristics of profiles where women are looking for something similar and mirror these. These characteristics are the types of photos, the style of writing, the length of about-me’s, the aspects that are important (communication, looks, chemistry, romance, money, career etc). To be clear – I don’t mean you should lie. You still need to be you. Think of this as another style of writing. The theory is that women will then recognise in your profile the qualities they appreciate, the same ones they have taken care to include in their own. 

I created a profile for a friend one evening to prove to her that if you create profiles based on the sort of relationship you want then you are likely to have more success. So I took some simple characteristics of profiles of men who basically wanted sex only and created her profile to mirror these.

  • First she had to have a username with ’69’ in it. Making some sort of sexual reference was obviously dominant in mens profiles and if this profile was going to catch a man for casual sex it had to have some clear sexual innuendo.
  • Her profile had two photos – one further away, with a friend (with a caption pointing her out), with her skin showing, and the other was a closer image from her waist up – again showing the boobs – but not looking straight at the camera.
  • Her stats were pretty straight forward with minimal detail other than physical appearance and general reference to employment/education etc. We made no mention of her children.
  • Then the about me section was kept to a maximum of 4 very short sentences of up to 7 words each. This met the minimum criteria of the dating site … and men looking for casual sex don’t want to read a lot – as was evidence when looking at their profiles.

Within 5 minutes of this profile going live we had 10 men messaging! 

So men – you can do the same. However, regardless I still have some simple tips for creating a genuine profile to represent who you are and attract women.

Tip 1. Photos

We all like to see who we’re talking to. I know some people are shy for various reasons but at least have some there even if they’re set to private. At least then a woman knows that you are willing to be trusting and therefore trustworthy. 

DO NOT have photos of:

  • you with sunglasses,
  • you drunk with a smoke hanging out of the corner of your mouth and a beer in one hand while flipping the bird with the other,
  • a photo so far away from you where you might as well be an ant,
  • heaps of photos of you with a group of mates at a footy grand final with no indication of which one you are,
  • you more than five years ago.

Women want to see a nice face, nice smile, and yes a general idea of your whole body.

Tip 2. About you or interests sections

Say something that shows how you are different from every other man. DO NOT write “I like footy – go mighty pies!, hanging with mates and family, and keeping fit”. BORING! If these are genuine and important interests then yes include them but say them in a way that explains what it is about these activities you appreciate or value. For example, “I like footy” can be turned into “Since I was five I have been playing, watching or umpiring in my local football club. This has been a great outlet for dealing with work stress and have a great group of guys that I know I can rely on. I am passionate about the mighty pies but don’t mind if you are not”. Ok ok, it’s not likely you would say that but you get the idea. But don’t use these sorts of typical male aussie interests to fall back on because you are too lazy to think about who you are beyond these. 

Having said that it’s best to try to remain true to who you are than to create a persona that may not be there when you meet. You don’t need to be someone you’re not – I find it hard to believe everyone is as extroverted and as hyperactive as many profiles lead me to believe. 

Tip 3. Care about your writing

It’s a well known fact that many people online do not write well. Please at least try to use sentences finished with a full stop, rules of capitalisation, and full words rather than abbreviations that are hard to read. I got a message today, as follows:

hi how are you you are beautifull i love communication and to give a lot of affection ive been single for eighteen months and am missing lots of kissing and affection hope your having a good day and hope to talk soon xo

In no way does this inspire me to think this is someone I want to begin a relationship of any sort with. I checked his profile – he has no photo, no real profession (see below), his interests are ‘life’, and his about me was ‘NNN’. No wonder he is lonely.

Tip 4. Employment, profession, education, and the ‘prefer not to say’ option

Don’t be illusive. If you have a job then at a minimum put in which field it is in (eg. healthcare, marketing, retail). If you don’t have a job put in the field you are seeking work in. Please stop putting in stupid responses like ‘relaxing’, ‘living life’ and ‘keeping it real’. 

This is the same with education. Don’t select an education type if you don’t know what it is. I come across so many who have selected ‘university’ or ‘Bachelor Degree’ but actually studied at TAFE or did an apprenticeship.

The prefer not to say option is often used when answering questions on kids, cars, religion, drinker, smoker, etc. Be honest and open. You can always explain these answer in your about you section.

Tip 5. Holding on to past issues

Many many many mens profiles I read show some sort of serious resentment/anger/frustration towards cheaters, trustworthiness, time-wasters, and women in general. If you have this then please step away from dating until you work through this. Until you are in a good place you will bring this with you into any new interaction and ultimately prove yourself right instead of being open to see and experience something different and wonderful.

Tip 6. Making contact

When you have found someone you are interested in message them with something more than a “Hi, how are you?” Include something, a question or comment, on an element of their profile that caught your attention. Also put a small bit in about why you think you might get along well. No need to write paragraphs and paragraphs in an attempt to impress. Also, please don’t cut and paste the same introductory message to every woman you contact. I have had many repeat first messages from men who clearly have forgotten who they have attempted talking with. 

Please DO NOT immediately try to take the contact outside of the site. Lately I am being asked to do this all the time. It’s rude and defeats the purpose of the safety and anonymity of dating sites. To me it resembles kidnappers who move their victims to the second location – Danger! Danger! 

Also, if a woman says ‘No‘ she means it. This ‘no’ may be direct or indirect. There is no need to attack her for not being interested. Again, if you feel the need to do this then step away from dating and re-evaluate your perception and feelings towards women. I understand the frustration of not getting a reply at all but it is likely she is avoiding having to enter into a conversation where you try and convince her you should have a chance. While you might not do that, many before you will have and she is probably just as frustrated. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Ring

See that ring? That’s mine. At least in theory. But now it is at an auction house, waiting to be sold for a ridiculously low price. Are diminishing jewellery values a sign of the value of what they represent?

Such grand gestures seem to have become so-so when symbols so valuable (not just financially) are given without the same personal embodiment. I wanted the personal but got the ring.

My separation from the ring is my final gesture of letting go… It feels like the day I received it. Confusing, anxious, tense, unknown, sad. Part of me hopes it will come back. That that will in some way be my sign that all is not finished. Part of me wants my memories to vanish with it.

I find myself looking for him. I don’t know what I would do if I did see him. Cry? Explode? Keep moving. Blah!

What will 60 look like?

Image

Such a cute and sad pic – Titled: All Alone 

Procrastinating by hanging out with my mum in her kitchen the other day raised something I have not really given much thought to. Who would come to my 60th birthday if I don’t have children?

Like so many of our conversations I am not sure how we got to the topic. Perhaps we had commented on it being nearly a year since her 60th celebration, that it will most likely be her last big birthday celebration (by choice, not death), that as she gets older she doesn’t have as many people in her life but is happy with just a few important family members and a friend or two to talk with. Primarily she has me and my sister, her sister and her children, her ex husband (my dad), and one or two close friends she confides in regularly. I’m not sure if it was her or me that first stopped and realised that I am likely to not have the same network/family at her age.

There was an awkward pause, where each of us sort of ‘umm-ed’ and ‘ahh-ed’ for a moment. With a considered choice of words mum said “I suppose…despite our situation [being divorced]…well, I guess I’m lucky to have that”. We both knew what she meant – that it is quite likely that I won’t have a husband and children, or even children without the man, or maybe not even a long-term companion; my experience of turning 60 will be quite different to hers. For the first time I could see she realised the grief I could experience…have experienced…do experience when faced with the potential of not fulfilling my need for a partner and children. 

Of course my response was to deflect and use humour, “I like to remind myself while others’ seem so happy now their relationships wont be as glorious as it seems and they are 50% likely to be divorced and bitterly unhappy within five years”. It only helps a little.

Who will come to my birthday?? C’est la vie!

 

 

Dual dating in friends with benefits

My most recent dilemma has come in the form of my date dating another. While normally I have no issue with this, in this circumstance I am quite confused. I just found this article Uncommitted guy dating different women: Is it wrong? (yes it is from a Christian perspective but has the necessary points that apply to this discussion broadly).

This circumstance started with him telling me he had a date. There are two things that concerned me most about this:

1) I had believed he was after a relationship with me (a number of interactions and discussions lead me to this)

AND

2) We had sex.

As well as telling me about the date and wanting to be honest with me out of respect for me he also told me he didn’t want a relationship [with anyone] but hoped what we had would be more like a friends with benefits situation. This is because he has a very busy work life and is likely to be moving back overseas within the year but still wants the companionship. This is fine by me [I would have appreciated knowing earlier] as I too appreciate the friendship and intimacy. BUT if this is the case and we have the friends with benefits situation he is after then why is he still seeking dates? Why, when he said he has no intention of sleeping with her, has no intention of forming a relationship with her, does he continue with the date?

Obviously I have stopped communicating with him as this isn’t ok with me. I have had a friends with benefits situation where we had an agreement that as I was seeking a more serious relationship that still seeking such dates was ok and that when I did date that we would stop the ‘benefits’. Simple. But this man I was dating isn’t seeking a relationship.

Is it ok to have multiple friends with benefits?

Is it ok to go on dates even if you have no intention of forming a relationship?

Is it ok to not tell people up front about your intentions of dating?

Constant sequel

A sequel continues elements of the original story, often with the same characters and settings. A sequel can lead to a series, in which key elements appear in a number of stories.

…Yes that is me, forever stuck in a sequel. Same elements of the storyline with much the same characters and settings. I, obviously, am the central character. After-all if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have a reason to write a blog.

What will follow is a series of entries outlining the mystical world that is dating from the perspective of a 30-something year old woman. In dating I am not just defined by my age but also by my career success, ability to live independently, and to have not magically ‘fallen pregnant’. All of which seem to surprise men I have dated, all of which seem to become an issue in some way.